Innocent in the City
URBAN CHIC

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Don't know any life but the city life, the glitz, the action, the frenzy.
Dreams of a quiet life but longs for more action.
Never contented with being in one place, always looking for something bigger and better.
That's me. The city girl.

 

Fabulous People!

Ala
Cat
Russ
Russkal

My E-mail
My Multiply Site

Looking Back
  • September 2004
  • October 2004
  • November 2004
  • December 2004
  • January 2005
  • February 2005
  • March 2005
  • April 2005
  • May 2005
  • June 2005
  • July 2005
  • August 2005
  • September 2005
  • October 2005
  • November 2005
  • December 2005
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • July 2006
  • August 2006
  • February 2007
  • March 2007
  • April 2007
  • January 2008
  • March 2009
  • CREDITS

    Designer;

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    Friday, March 30, 2007
    Innocence Meets Real
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    Today was my first week at work and although I was prepared for the changes that will occur in my life, I don't think I could've expected exactly how misplaced I would feel once I enter the workforce--the call center industry, especially. I've always been proud of the fact that i'm younger than the usual applicants and I maintain that my age is not at all a hindrance to my ability, seeing that i'm actually at par (if not better) than other people who are older than me. It's not my age that's the problem, it's my experience--or lack of them, to put it more aptly. I've always known that I was sheltered but never knew until now up to what extent. Getting along with different kinds of people isn't a problem on my part, it's not losing myself that will a challenge, I think. I think of myself as soft cement. I could follow any mould and I still don't know how I should turn out and (God forbid) I could very well turn out crooked or uneven. It scares me because I know how easily I get swayed and although I'll be trying my damned hardest to maintain who I think I am right now, I know that I will change; I will adapt to the environment that I am now a part of; I will lose some of myself in the course of this experience.

    I miss Merlynn and Pinky badly, really, I do. At the risk of sounding needy and even more immature, I believe that I could pull through with this experience with less scars with them around. FOr four years, they kept me grounded and perhaps I depend on them mor ethan I dare to admit. I miss them and I wish that we could've gotten in the same company now.

    I miss school. That was my comfort zone, thel earning environment I so meticulously draped over my existence for more than 15 years. I already miss projects and quizzes and prelim exams where if you mess up, tehre'll be other opportunities to even up the score. The way I see it, I have to do more than just average to succeed, and I really really want to succeed. I miss summer vacation. Even though I don't really do anything special during vacation, it's the time where I get to sleep in and watch TV the whole day, now it is no more. I kind of feel that a bit of my innocence has already been taken away from me, having been 'pushed' into the real world so soon.
    I wish I could go back to school, I wish I could be a university student again, I wish that this is just a crazy dream and that I wake up as a freshman in the Faculty of Arts and Letters. But in case this is really real, I have to prep myself for the pending changes that I am sure to encounter during my stint as a working girl. It's tough to imagine that i'll be working for many many years ahead. The only consolation? Payday. Lol.

    CITY LIFE; 10:01 PM

    Saturday, March 24, 2007
    You win some, you lose him...
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    My relatively drama-free nineteen years of experience has come to an end. And I guess it's my fault, as well. Actually, I know it's my fault. This post has no form, no flow, just what I feel right now. I hate to be cheesy but this is still practice for my pending writing comeback. Bear with me (yeah, Pinx, i'm talking to you).

    I've never really liked anyone before, save for a few major crushes. After all, i've always been concentrated on my academics and I really don't know a lot of guys to begin with. I guess I was (am) an innocent goody two shoes..boring and plain. Heh. We can't all be gorgeous, can we?

    I digress.

    I thought I finally met the guy who would make me swoon and blush. For a while, I was convinced that he was they guy that'd maybe make me (insert the cheesiest expression here. I feel stupid typing it. First letter for each word: F, I, L respectively). I got so caught up with feeling so attracted and connected to him that I managed to convince myself that I really, really, really, really like him. And it's not that I don't. That's my problem. I like him but I don't know how much. Maybe i'm trying to over-analyze everything but I'm not convinced that i'm in deep attraction with him. He doesn't know me much and I don't know about him much. And the 'connection' i'm talking about, does it count? I'm doubtful and I'm left with a lot of questions that my trusty textbooks and academic research cannot answer. For the first time, I am left with trusting my instincts but I don't know how. I'm so used to being cognitive that my instincts have taken the back seat for the longest time.

    So, what now?

    I don't know. I still like him and I still want to know more about him and I want him to know more about me. I'm tempted to say that i'm going to take one day at a time but right now, even one day seems too much. The little girl is growing up, I think and I need a hand to hold to guide me through this. Damn it! I'll take Media Law any day over this crazy heart/life stuff! What I desperately want is for him and I to work out. I will try and try until I find trying a waste of time. Until I get tired of trying. Until I find someone/something else to bother with.

    For a smart girl, I can be totally clueless about other stuff.

    CITY LIFE; 9:00 AM

    Friday, March 23, 2007
    Adios, Tomas!
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    March 23, 2007--a Friday just like any other friday for some but not for Thomasians. Today was our Baccalaureate Mass at the Grandstand. Today was our last day as Thomasians, our last day wearing our uniforms, our last day as university students. Today was a day of closure and goodbyes but unlike other types of goodbyes, we weren't sad when we said them. Instead, we were hopeful. Hopeful that the future holds many wonders for us to discover, many joys for us to experience and many lessons for us to learn. For four years, we have experienced things that we never thought we could survive: countless quizzes, academic papers, productions, presentations, and of course, our theses. We never thought we would face so much hurdles in university but somehow we surpassed everything (with grace, might I add). Whether we admit it or not, I think that the four years we spent inside the university had the most bearing on our character. We all grew as individuals and we became stronger, tougher and more determined. I will miss my blockmates and my university but I know that I'm not saying goodbye to them permanently. I will always be a Thomasian just as I will always be a part of the 4CA1 Caliente team. Always.

    The fireworks that lit up the sky for a good 5-10 minutes reminded us the beauty of the sky. That amid the dark night, a single spark can bring so much joy and hope to everyone. We all craned our necks so as not to miss one moment of the colorful fireworks display. Today was one of those days when I wished desperately that I had my own camera. I would've wanted to capture as much of today as possible but I'm sure that my classmates would post their images soon and i'll just borrow their pictures. We sang the UST Hymn for the last time, facing the main building which looked proud and majestic with its rustic stone facade. It became the symbol of our university and the sight of the Main Building tonight will be etched in our memories forever.

    Aside from the fireworks, the highlight of the night was walking out of the Arc of the Century. We walked in through the arc when we were freshmen and now, we walked out as graduates. Full circle. Our journey as students is complete but our journey as Thomasians is just beginning. This time around, we face the challenge of maintaining our Thomasian values and character through the various hurdles of real life. We understand that this may be harder than anything we've ever dealt with within the university but there's no doubt in my heart that we can surpass everything. We've made true friends that will help us through the tough times, we've learned lessons (academic and otherwise) that will help us in our chosen careers as well as dealing with people we will be meeting and we have a tremendous amount of hope that things will turn out as God planned.

    So, we say goodbye to our dear Santo Tomas, our second home for the last 4 years. We shall miss thy halls and parks, your classrooms and professors but we bring with us memories that will last us through our lifetime. We bring with us lessons and friends that we will be keeping forever. And we shall be bringing your good name with us for eternity. Thank you UST for 4 years of learning, we will make you proud, wait and see.

    CITY LIFE; 10:17 PM

    Thursday, March 22, 2007
    Untitled
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    She looks down at the ground, refusing to look up at the sky. She has been there, she once had wings, too. But her wings are no more, taken back by their rightful owner, sending her plummeting down to earth. Away from the clouds and airplanes. They never even tried to save her, they just looked on as she fell down...

    She remembered looking into his eyes as she fell. The eyes of the king of the sky, warm and brown. She held out her hand but he flew higher and higher, leaving her to plummet down to land. It was he who made her want to fly, it was he whom she wanted to reach but he was the king of the sky and she was falling.

    She looks at the ground, refusing to look at the sky. She had wings, once but not anymore. She knew how it felt like to float with the clouds and the airplanes and the king of the sky, and she knew how to fall alone. The earth is her prison, gravity is her captor.

    The color of her sky was brown.


    **Random piece from 5 minutes ago. I was just talking to Pinky about wanting to go back to writing and all the things that we needed to talk about and then I wrote this. Tadah! :) I need more practice, I think.


    **TO PINKY: I know you understand what I wrote. :) I really enjoy talking to you especially since you know how to boost up my confidence perfectly. I will write again, that much I am certain of. And you know determined I can get when I make up my mind to do something. I feel like this is a new beginning, a lot changes are in store for me. Glad that you're with me on this crazy ride. Will see you soon.
    (Yikes! That looked like a private message.. Well, it was--only it's not private)

    CITY LIFE; 9:48 PM

    Tuesday, March 20, 2007
    As Filipino As It Gets
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    Growing up, I never really felt a strong affection toward my heritage. Society praised me for having white complexion and for a while, I thought myself superior over those who were darker than I. I strove hard to perfect the English language and with every sentence I constructed flawlessly, the people around me applauded and showered me with even more praise. I honestly thought that by striving to become as American-like as possible, I would be a cut above the rest; I would be a notch higher than the ordinary third world citizens that were my peers.

    In high school, however, my sense of self had already begun to blossom and while I didn’t realize it yet, I had doubts with regard to the supposed inferiority of Filipinos as a race. I started appreciating the Filipino skin tone but try as I might (perhaps it’s karma), I can’t make my mayonnaise complexion warmer regardless of the number of hours I spend under the sun. Instead of the wonderful bronze everyone would get, I would turn lobster red and then back to my original pasty complexion. Then I started appreciating the Filipino culture. My fantasy of having a Hawaiian getaway was replaced by a longing to go island hopping in Palawan and see tarsiers in Bohol. I ate rice more heartily, loving every grain of subtle sweetness that is showered over my excited little tastebuds. I used the Filipino language more sparingly, I made an effort to improve my pronunciation, diction and sentence construction—although I am still in the process of perfecting my communication skills in Filipino. I became comfortable with the idea that I, no matter how white my complexion is, or how fluent I am in English, am a third-world citizen from an archipelago in South East Asia called the Philippines.

    Now, I eat balut and isaw and all the other foodstuff that foreigners dread tasting, I curse in Filipino fluently and slowly but surely, I am learning to love all the aspects of being part of this heritage. I shop in Divisoria, give alms to countless street children and clutch my bag tightly while squeezing my way through throngs of people in Quiapo.

    But along with my being comfortable with being Filipino, I am afraid that I am also getting used to the poverty and the chaos that is being linked to our race. I was looking out the bus window and I rarely noticed the level of social deprivation of the citizens. Mangy kids are but an ordinary sight to behold and charity and pity is often denied to them precisely because of them being a fixture in our everyday existence. When I looked around (and I mean really look around) as the bus started moving, I saw gray everywhere. Everything was scruffy and sad-looking, a bit desperate to tell you honestly. The buildings are old and dilapidated, the streets lined with barely standing shanties and makeshift houses, people bustle around looking tired and worn out—it’s hard to remain proud of a race which reeks of social inequity and poverty. The distressing fact is that there is so much change to be done and we are far, far behind schedule.

    In the midst of all these, however, there is one thing that never fails to make me proud of our race. No matter how poor a family is, no matter how hard the times are, we never seem to lose hope. Hope that things will get better, hope that the new day will bring about more opportunities and blessings, hope that greener pastures will be available in out own homeland. Smiling, it seems, is the great Filipino hobby, along with singing and eating. Maybe we are immune to the devastation brought about by poverty, maybe we are just a bit crazy being so darn happy all the time but I’m glad that we are a happy race. Without our jovial nature, we would have been driven to commit mass suicide many years ago and the country would be a ghost country, save for a few elites, don’t you think?

    So when things get a bit too much for a certain fair skinned, English speaking girl who can’t hold a tan, she does what Filipinos do best: Smile, hope and live life day to day (and maybe throw a bit of karaoke as well). Even if she can’t say nakakapagpabagabag without biting off her own tongue, she’s as Filipino as it gets.

    CITY LIFE; 11:19 PM

    Monday, March 12, 2007
    Wide Open Spaces
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    "She needs wide open spaces
    Room to make her big mistakes
    She needs new faces
    She knows the high stakes "
    --Wide Open Spaces, Dixie Chicks

    That's how I feel right now. I just want to break out and see the world, explore what I haven't yet seen or heard, meet the people whom I would never meet otherwise. Perhaps my yearning for an adventure stems from the fact that in my 19 years of existence, I have been kept within the safe confines of home and school No parties for this girl, no social life, no nothing. My parents mean well, I am sure of that, but I can't help but feel as though i've often been on a tight leash. The good thing about the situation is that i'm as "good" as good girls get. I'm devoted to my family and school, i've done well with academics and I haven't gotten into trouble (real trouble, that is) yet. The downside is that I don't really know much about anything in the world. I drank my very first bottle of Vodka Ice on March 5 and also entered my first bar (without any connection to school activities) and my first time to stay out till 2 am doing nothing. People sometimes treat me like a precious gem, as if I would break if exposed to new things but really, how am I going to learn if I don't experience things for myself, right? I've been living vicariously through the experiences of others that I know the theories of the lessons that I should have learned had I been in that situation. You could look at my situation either positively or negatively, even I can't figure out where I stand. The only thing that i'm sure of is that i'm old enough to find my place in the sun.


    But can I really just break the 19 year old 'leash' that I have been on come graduation time? Apparently not. I haven't even gotten my diploma yet but my mom and I have been arguing quite a lot in the past few days. My mom has always stressed that being the eldest daughter, I would help out with the expenses of my family. I respect and accept that. But i'm getting the impression that we have totally different things in mind when it comes to jobs. My plan really is to engage in jobs with big pay so I could jumpstart my savings and then when I have a bot of money stashed, I would probably pursue what I want to do in life (which is a lot of different things!). I just didn't expect that my mom would be pushing me into the fray this, erm, violently. Before, she was encouraging me to try out different options but now, she's fixated on call center jobs with the sign-on bonuses. Like I said, I have nothing against that but the way she's pushing me to apply immediately is driving me insane...especially since i'm considering being an english tutor. I've always wanted to be a teacher but got discouraged by my mom--she was right, though. I am better in Communcation Arts than I would have been in Education. It's just that I never lost my interest in teaching and this is as close to teaching as I could get without a Masters Degree.


    I've been rambling. This was not the original intent of this post.


    I feel trapped here. I want to grow and live life but I'm still bound by the invisible ties to my family. Hence, my plan to get out of the country to stat my own life there. Of course, Mom is completely against that idea but i'm pretty much decided. I figure that when i'm a whole continent away, I wouldn't be scared of taking risks because they wouldn't know if I fail. I probably wouldn't play safe when I'm far away from the people who didn't let a mosquito lay on me when I was young. I love them dearly but I have to be my own person...and the best place to do that is far, far from here, where if I cry, I cry alone. Do you understand what i'm saying or am I completely looney?


    "Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
    Waiting to wake up one day and find
    That I've let all these years go by
    Wasted "
    ---Wasted, Carrie Underwood

    CITY LIFE; 11:58 AM

    Tuesday, March 06, 2007
    Limbo
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    How do you sum up four years of cuh-razy memories in one post?

    After 8 semesters of laughter, fights, [back]stabbing and friendship, I now find myself amidst a whirlwind of emotions, the most prominent one being fear. All of a sudden, my comfort zone of being in an academic environment is pulled out from beneath my feet. I know I should've had prepared better for this but the truth is, I was too scared even before to think beyond the security university life offered me. I became too attached to my blockmates, to the routine that was being a crazy Communication Arts major. I relished the stress of Adver/IMC/Media Law/BroadJourn in spite of my constant bitching. I love staying up all night for projects and case digests, I loved being in class in spite of lack of sleep, I adore performing 3 tasks in one given time, I love cramming, I love every bit of school--stress most especially.

    You're free to call me crazy now. :)

    But stress was only bearable because I knew I wasn't alone. I took comfort in the fact that there were roughly 20 other people who were sharing the burden I was carrying. That gave me the extra push to be the cheerful little dwarf I am/was. I honsetly don't know where I'd be after graduation. No more friendly 'musta na' texts, no more heated arguments on IMC strategies, no more sly glances on other people's test papers. It'll just be me and the world. The people I depended on would still share my burden, that much I am sure of, but our playground is much bigger now. With a lot more bullies around. And less swings and slides.

    Sigh.

    How do I squeeze in 4 years of major major memories in one post? I can't. I refuse to roll up all the wonderful and extensive experiences I had in the university in the name of pseudo-documentation. Perhaps in time, i'll forget parts of my existence as a Thomasian, like i've forgotten things about my highschool I swore I'd never forget, but i'm sure the most important memories would remain. I'd have my trusty friends to remind me. :)

    ***Graduation day is April 2, 2007
    ****I just had to say that to make it sound official. I'm graduating!!! Whee!!!!
    *****I hope I don't become a corporate bitch. Yikes.

    CITY LIFE; 1:23 PM