"She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes "
--Wide Open Spaces, Dixie Chicks

That's how I feel right now. I just want to break out and see the world, explore what I haven't yet seen or heard, meet the people whom I would never meet otherwise. Perhaps my yearning for an adventure stems from the fact that in my 19 years of existence, I have been kept within the safe confines of home and school No parties for this girl, no social life, no nothing. My parents mean well, I am sure of that, but I can't help but feel as though i've often been on a tight leash. The good thing about the situation is that i'm as "good" as good girls get. I'm devoted to my family and school, i've done well with academics and I haven't gotten into trouble (real trouble, that is) yet. The downside is that I don't really know much about anything in the world. I drank my very first bottle of Vodka Ice on March 5 and also entered my first bar (without any connection to school activities) and my first time to stay out till 2 am doing nothing. People sometimes treat me like a precious gem, as if I would break if exposed to new things but really, how am I going to learn if I don't experience things for myself, right? I've been living vicariously through the experiences of others that I know the theories of the lessons that I should have learned had I been in that situation. You could look at my situation either positively or negatively, even I can't figure out where I stand. The only thing that i'm sure of is that i'm old enough to find my place in the sun.


But can I really just break the 19 year old 'leash' that I have been on come graduation time? Apparently not. I haven't even gotten my diploma yet but my mom and I have been arguing quite a lot in the past few days. My mom has always stressed that being the eldest daughter, I would help out with the expenses of my family. I respect and accept that. But i'm getting the impression that we have totally different things in mind when it comes to jobs. My plan really is to engage in jobs with big pay so I could jumpstart my savings and then when I have a bot of money stashed, I would probably pursue what I want to do in life (which is a lot of different things!). I just didn't expect that my mom would be pushing me into the fray this, erm, violently. Before, she was encouraging me to try out different options but now, she's fixated on call center jobs with the sign-on bonuses. Like I said, I have nothing against that but the way she's pushing me to apply immediately is driving me insane...especially since i'm considering being an english tutor. I've always wanted to be a teacher but got discouraged by my mom--she was right, though. I am better in Communcation Arts than I would have been in Education. It's just that I never lost my interest in teaching and this is as close to teaching as I could get without a Masters Degree.


I've been rambling. This was not the original intent of this post.


I feel trapped here. I want to grow and live life but I'm still bound by the invisible ties to my family. Hence, my plan to get out of the country to stat my own life there. Of course, Mom is completely against that idea but i'm pretty much decided. I figure that when i'm a whole continent away, I wouldn't be scared of taking risks because they wouldn't know if I fail. I probably wouldn't play safe when I'm far away from the people who didn't let a mosquito lay on me when I was young. I love them dearly but I have to be my own person...and the best place to do that is far, far from here, where if I cry, I cry alone. Do you understand what i'm saying or am I completely looney?


"Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted "
---Wasted, Carrie Underwood