Friday, December 24, 2004
scrooge-ing this christmas eve
|
bah hambug!
there's nothing i hate more than pretending to be all happy and merry this blessed time of the year. its not that we're unhappy, it's just that we're not exactly having the best christmas and we certainly don't need THEM to rub it in our faces. "THEM" being my least favorite relatives...which is ironic since they're our remaining relatives here in the country. on any other occassion, i would've loved a visit from them but not this christmas. i can't bear to be the wide-smiled hostess and assure them that in spite of the major changes in our lives (trust me, its not for the better), we're okay. in fact, i'm having trouble convincing MYSELF that we'll be fine.
i'm being a bit harsh on them. i don't hate them. i actually like their company and it's fun whenever they're around. i just don't understand why we have to PROVE that we're good (especially when we're on the brink of being bad...haha).
i don't mind the early "call-time" to start our long, tedious attempt at making our tiny house look festive and bright. i don't mind working my ass off to scrub every inch of this damned apartment (pardon my language). i don't even mind smiling widely when they finally barge in our doors, with their maids and huge christmas gifts. what i'm wary about is the fact that i have to appear confident. i'm a good actress but sometimes, i crack under the piercing glare of everybidy. its as if they're waiting for me to break down and confess that i'm having a hard time (i might just do that).
by far, this is the loneliest christmas of my life. of course, i haven't told anyone this (i probably shouldn't have mentioned this here...). selling our house was really heartbreaking and moving in this tiny apartment is worse... words aren't exchanged regarding our, uh, situation but i know that its bad. i knew it since the day i was given just enough money to commute to and from school.
i'm not going to lament here because its christmas. i'll keep it in for another few days and by then, i would be too embarrassed to tell you more.
i have my little gratitude list, though. i am grateful that my family is still intact. i am grateful that every one of us is healthy and that everyone is emotionally okay. i still love christmas...just not this christmas eve...=D (and my hair doesn't do me any good, either)
i assure you that i'll be bright and cheery and christmas-y tomorrow...
CITY LIFE; 10:11 AM
